A wise man has said “The sad part of control is that we usually don’t recognise to what extent we are controlling. Other people around us certainly know it! It frequently takes a big confrontation or crisis to find it out for ourselves… unless we are willing to very honestly examine our fears, feelings and behaviors. We all have control issues!”
Why do we need to control, and what/who do we need to control? There is only one reason why we experience this deep need for control – lack of trust. Yes, friend, out of our soul memories of betrayal and deception, arise the fears and anxieties that lead to lack of trust. That is why we find it much easier to trust the one we call God. ‘He’ has not been like ‘others’. ‘He’ has not lied to us, cheated us, tempted us with attractive lures, deceived us, manipulated us, and led us astray. No, in fact, ‘He’ has given us solace, often answered our prayers, forgiven us our ‘sins’, benevolently given us protection and care. Yes, it is easier to trust God!
But, it is not our trust in God, or the lack of it, that results in control issues; it is our trust in people. Can you trust all persons, unreservedly, without even the slightest trace of suspicion? If you cannot, you know that you have a control issue! And the greater the level of your suspicion, the stronger is your issue!!
Do you find yourself attributing ulterior motives to the words and actions of others? Do you catch yourself being cynical about another’s good deeds? Do you find it hard to go beyond intellectualisation, to truly believe that all persons are innately good, and that ‘evil’ exists only in your mind? If you have answered ‘yes’ to one or more of these questions, then you belong to the tremendously large majority of humanity that has a control issue.
Often it is misunderstood that only those who love external power, and are arrogant and dominating and haughty, are the ones who have a control issue. Not true! Strong control can be silently wielded by those who appear submissive, mild, weak, ‘too sensitive’, compromising and falling in with the demands of others, ‘never making waves’. In fact, even greater control is wielded in this way because the world often does not recognise it as a control game.
Emotional manipulation is the most powerful tool of control, and one that is commonly used by those who do not have the inner conviction to fearlessly express their needs and truths. As a child were you not better able to deal with one parent’s ‘shouts’, than the cold, icy silence of the other parent who made you feel you ‘non-existent’ whenever you were ‘bad’? As a partner is it not easier to have a fight, than attempt to break through the emotional barracks that your significant other hides within?
Control can be wielded in as many different ways as there are people. Each human being has found a way to control the inner and outer environment in a manner that is as unique as the person himself. And though the way is different, the reason is exactly the same for all. When you understand this, you will appreciate instantly that the external is not different or apart from the internal. All control issues come from the same point of pain!
Yes, I can hear you think, ‘How naïve and foolish it would be for me to allow myself to be prey to deception and trickery!’ But, I ask you to remember that external is a reflection of the internal. Furthermore, I urge you to see that discernment is a positive attribute that arises out of Love applied Wisely, and Wisdom extended Lovingly, whereas control, arising out of mistrust and suspicion, is unhealthy and results in alienation from others.
I do understand that in urging you to trust all, I am asking you to do what might seem completely radical and impractical. Radical it certainly is, but once so was the theory that the Earth is round! For growth to be significant and meaningful, the steps must be daring and transformative. You must be ready to speak, think, feel, and be the Opposite of everything you have been used to. If what you have been accustomed to, has created within you an issue, it stands to reason that the opposite will take you towards its resolution. Impractical it is not. What could be more practical than leading a life that promises inner harmony, peaceful co- existence, and togetherness? Ah, now you are asking, ‘If I trust everyone, will they automatically stop betraying me? Will everything just fall into its rightful place without effort?’ No, they will not. Because you are attempting to use trust as a tool to attain an end!
Trust is a State of Being. You cannot be manipulative and hope to achieve your goals. You are in a State of Trust far more than you realise. Your finger goes to the light-switch in a dark room because you trust that the room will fill up with comforting illumination. You drink that much needed cup of coffee because you trust that it will re-energise you. You plan a party for your birthday because you trust that you will be alive then. You welcome the night and sleep because you Trust that the next day will be a new dawn. As a child you hold your parent’s hand because you trust that they will safely lead you home. You give yourself up to the throes of love because you trust in the joy it brings to you in that moment. You form deep and meaningful friendships because you trust that these will give you support and comfort when you need them the most. You fail and fall and endeavour on inspite, because you trust that in you lies the Power to BE your vision.
Lack of trust leads to a strong need for control. Lack of inability to control as you would wish to, leads to depression and joylessness. Lack of Joy takes away the very purpose of Life and Living. Ask yourself: What is my way of ‘control’? (Your way may differ from situation to situation and person to person, so look closely for all the ways you employ.)
What/whom do I not trust in this situation? What is the threat that I perceive? How can I healthily protect myself from this perceived threat that will result in Unity and Harmony with all?
If ego-centered control makes life less than what it can be, how does soul-centered control enhance it? Soul-centered control focuses your attention upon Self, and not to the ‘Other’. It is about responsibility, and not blame. It encourages patience and understanding ,and gently urges you away from presumption and ‘assumption of guilt’. It helps you to be centered in the Now, rather than to react from the past or the uncertainty of the future. It identifies for you your patterns, your attitudes, your needs and your truths, and gives you the strength to shift them or assert them as demanded by your soul.
Be Power-full. Send out the energy of I TRUST into the world. When each one has no need to control the other, nations will stop using its ultimate tool – WAR.
Trust yourself into Harmony.